Turmoil
by evitascarlett
Summary: A deleted scene from Apologize. "Kate Beckett was in turmoil; he knew that as well as knew his own name." The beginning of Kate and Castle's special sessions in his office at the Old Haunt.


_Authors Note: While I'm between chapters of Reflections and taking my break from Redemption; I thought I'd keep things flowing by digging out a few more deleted scenes to finish and post. I do want to thank all of you who have supported my decision to step away from Redemption for a little while; it means a lot to me._

 _This scene would have taken place between chapters 5 and 6 of Apologize and is how the 'Castle Sessions' at the Old Haunt began for Kate and Rick._

Turmoil- Deleted Scene

As they sat in a booth at Remy's, Castle subtly observed Kate as she dipped her French fries into the glob of ketchup on her plate. It had been three days since Lanie had read the DNA results; confirming that Johanna Beckett was indeed alive and well. Kate was giving every outward appearance of being fine; acting as though a cannonball hadn't been blown through her world. He knew better. His trained eye could see the tension that lingered in the set of her jaw. Her thoughts weren't as focused as she wanted everyone to believe. Just that morning he had watched her stare at a form on her desk for ten minutes before she shook away her thoughts and got to work.

It wasn't just her distraction during quiet moments at work that hinted at her unease, Castle thought to himself. There was also that nervous habit of drumming her fingers on the surface of her desk or table. There was that hint of anguish that lingered in her eyes if you looked closely enough. Kate Beckett was in turmoil; he knew that as well as he knew his name.

So far, Castle had refrained from saying anything about those little hints that all wasn't well under the surface. He also didn't ask about what happened to the small framed photo of her and her mother that had always sat on her desk. They didn't speak of it much…no one did. In fact, he was sure that they hadn't really spoken in depth about the issue since the night the results had been read. He wished that she would say something about it so that he wouldn't have to take the initiative. He didn't want her to think that he was pushing and so he settled for watching her a little more closely; standing ready in case she crumbled.

Castle doubted that there would be crumbling though. Kate was clearly in the midst of reconstructing and reinforcing her walls…and he had a feeling that she was adding bolts and locks as well in regard to this new situation. He sighed softly; Kate's walls were still a bit of a sore spot to him. Before this had begun, she said that her walls were coming down and that she wanted him there when they did. It was the reason that he had stayed…despite her lie which still needled him every once in awhile. Now he worried that the resurrection of Johanna Beckett would set them back another ten steps.

That wasn't an ideal thought…although he was comforted by the fact that she had been sticking close to him these days. Hopefully that closeness would nudge them along to where he wanted to be.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked, breaking though his thoughts.

"Yeah, why?"

"You just seem quiet."

"So do you," Castle replied; allowing a hint of a smile to grace his lips.

Kate smiled in return. "Well you usually pick up my slack in the talking department."

"Usually you tell me that I talk too much. There's just no pleasing you, Detective," he teased.

She took a sip of her vanilla milkshake before answering. "I think I'd rather have you talk too much than too little."

"Why's that?"

"It just feels better that way," she answered; thinking to herself that too much silence on his part made her worry that he could be rethinking his plan to stick around.

Castle seemed to understand what she was thinking and gave her a reassuring smile. "You know, you've just given me free rein to talk your ear off."

She gave a soft laugh. "That's okay, Castle; I can always hate myself later."

He was about to comment when her phone rang. Kate picked it up from its resting place on the table and frowned at the unfamiliar number on the screen.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied before accepting the call and bringing the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

There was a brief moment of silence on the line, followed by the sound of a soft breath being expelled and then a feminine voice filled her ear. "Katie."

Castle watched as Kate's features hardened; her eyes flashing with anger and what he thought might be a trace of hurt.

"How did you get my number?" she demanded to know.

"Your father gave it to me," Johanna answered; her tone soft but carrying the undisguised notes of nervousness and desperation. "But that doesn't matter right now. We need to talk. I…"

"No, we don't need to talk," Kate said sharply. "I have nothing to say to you and I thought I made that clear."

"Katie, I…"

"No," she interrupted; "You've pretended like you haven't had a daughter for this long and you keep on doing it; because as far as I'm concerned, you don't have one."

"You don't mean that, Katie," Johanna responded; emotion present in her voice and it only made Kate angrier.

"I do mean it. Now don't you ever call me again," she told her, pulling the phone away from her ear, her mother's voice still pleading across the line as she ended the call and silenced her.

Kate dropped the phone on to the table with a dull thud; aggravation thrumming through her body. She picked up a limp looking French fry from her plate and dipped it into the ketchup so roughly that it broke in half.

Castle was at a momentary loss for words as she used her fork to recover the remains of her fry from the red glob that had consumed it. "I guess she got brave," he finally commented.

"That was her mistake," she remarked as she decided that the fry was a lost cause.

There were a few fries left on his plate and he quickly scooped them up and deposited them on hers. "Thanks," Kate said, a tight smile crossing her lips.

"No problem; I'd hate to see you deprived of one last fry," he replied lightly in hopes of easing the tension lingering in the air.

"You can have the rest of my pie," she offered, sliding the small dessert plate toward him.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

Castle sunk his fork into her barely touched slice of cherry pie and debated how to go about things now that Johanna had broken through and upset her daughter's balance even more. His curiosity won out and he allowed himself to ask the question that was relentlessly gnawing at him. "What did she say?"

"She says we need to talk. I beg to differ."

He nodded; he knew all about how she differed on that opinion.

"I can't believe she had the nerve to dial my number," Kate remarked; her tone low and gruff as she plunged another French fry to its death in the ketchup. She frowned as she looked at the fry, completely drowned by the substance that had overtaken it…why did she suddenly feel a kinship to French fries? Her life really was screwed up.

"How did she get your number?" her companion asked.

"My father," she replied; disbelief coloring her tone. "Can you believe him? What possessed him to give her my number?"

"You'd have to ask him that," Castle replied; figuring that the less he said at the moment the better. It was better to let her rant first; it would make it easier later.

"You're right," Kate said as she picked up her phone and began to furiously tap out a text message.

"I didn't mean right now."

"There's no better time like the present," she responded; her fingers continuing to move as her message filled the screen. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with him; he's a damn lawyer, he ought to know plenty about privacy laws," she muttered.

"I don't think you have a privacy agreement with him to make that charge stick," Castle remarked without thought.

"The hell I don't! He knows how I feel and he needs to respect it and my privacy by not giving her information like my phone number and address. He's my father; he's supposed to keep my business to himself for the simple fact that I'm his daughter!"

He decided that it was best not to respond to that comment as she finished writing her message and hit send. Her phone was placed back on the table and she rammed another fry into the ketchup, only for it to break in half once again.

"If you keep killing your French fries like that, someone might bring _you_ up on charges," he commented.

Kate sighed. "They were kind of cold anyway."

"So they deserved death by ketchup?"

"Yes," she said as her gaze flicked to his. "That's what they get."

Castle scooped up the last bite of pie on his fork and held it out to her. "Maybe you should take this…you know, in compensation for you loss."

She surprised him by leaning forward and eating the piece of pie from the fork as he held it instead of taking the utensil in her own hand. She washed it down with the rest of her milkshake and then got to her feet. "Let's get the hell out of here, Castle. We need to get back to work."

He followed her out the door and as they settled into the car, her phone buzzed. Kate gave it a cursory glance before shoving it into her pocket.

"Is it her again?" he asked.

"No, it's my Dad responding to the text I sent him."

"Aren't you going to read it?"

"No," she replied as she put the key in the ignition and started the car.

"Why not?"

"Because I know what it's going to say and I don't want to hear it."

Castle was silent for a beat before speaking. "I guess in this case it's really more like you don't want to read it."

She gave a nod as she pulled out into traffic. "That's right; I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see it, and I don't want to read it. I just want my life to go back to normal."

He had a feeling that wasn't going to happen anytime soon and he was sure that she knew it too. There was one question that had been running through his mind for the last few days and he finally decided to ask it.

"Are you going to talk to your therapist about all of this?" he asked her; hoping that he wasn't overstepping his bounds by bringing up that segment of her life.

She cast him a quick glance. "No; the less people who know about her the better."

"Is that a good idea?" he asked.

"I don't need to talk to Dr. Burke about this. I have you, Castle; I talk to you about it. That's enough for me."

Castle couldn't squash the feeling of happiness that washed through him. She had chosen him to be her confidant; he really had breached the wall and it was a good feeling. An easy smile came to his lips without notice. "So I'm your therapist?"

The corner of her mouth curved upward. "Among other things."

His heart was feeling lighter with every moment and he gave in to the inclination to tease her. "I have always wanted to play doctor with you."

"Therapists don't ask you to take your clothes off, Castle."

"Typical therapists don't…but I could be the kind that specializes."

"In what?" she laughed.

"Anything you need, want or desire."

"Uh huh."

"You don't think I aim to serve and please my patient?" he asked in mock indignation.

Kate smiled. "I think your specialization might be more about you than your patient, Castle."

"I assure you that I'm very therapeutic, Beckett."

"I might have a few doubts about that," she replied lightly.

He gave a quiet laugh and laid his hand on her denim clad leg, giving it a gentle squeeze. "All jokes aside, how about we go to the Old Haunt tonight and have a few drinks?"

She nodded as the precinct came into view. "That sounds nice. I think I could use a good drink."

"At the Old Haunt you'll get the very best there is to have."

"Are you practicing for a TV commercial?" she asked.

"No," he replied; "But that could be good on a print ad. See, you inspire in all areas."

"I'm glad I can make your life easier," Kate remarked. "Mine just seems to keep getting harder."

Castle gave her a sympathetic smile. "We'll work on it."

She gave a short laugh as she found a parking space. "It's going to take a lot of work."

"That's okay, I've got the time," he told her as their eyes met.

Her smile was soft, lighting up her eyes a little as she found his hand and curled her fingers around it. "Thank you."

He gave her a nod, returning the pressure of her fingers with a squeeze of his own. "That's what we do."

Somehow the words dissolved some of the tightness that had been filling her chest ever since she had answered that phone call. Maybe she'd make it through this after all.

* * *

"Why is it so crowded tonight?" Kate asked; leaning closer to Castle as she spoke so he could hear her over the din of noise at the bar of the Old Haunt.

"I forgot it's karaoke night," he answered.

She exhaled a weighted breath as she frowned. Her mother's intrusion into her life with that phone call and a day at her desk with little to distract her had left her in a somewhat foul mood. The last thing she wanted was to be in a crowd…and with a light headache nagging at her; she really wasn't keen on hearing a bunch of out of key singers who thought they were the next Celine Dion or Mariah Carey.

"Come on," Castle said, his hand grazing her arm to catch her attention.

"Where are we going now?"

"Down to my office," he replied as he picked up their drinks. "It's sound proof."

That sounded much better, Kate thought as she picked up her purse from the bar and followed him through the crowd. When they reached his office, he unlocked the door and flipped the light on and then gestured for her to enter ahead of him. She stepped inside and breathed a sigh of relief as he shut the door; the sounds of the bar above them going silent now that they were locked away.

"My headache thanks you," she told him as he moved toward his desk.

He gave her a hint of a smile. "I guess this wasn't such a great idea after all."

"No; it's fine, Castle. It's better now that I can hear myself think."

"Karaoke night does get a little rowdy," he agreed. "I guess I lost track of the days."

"It happens," she replied as she picked up her drink from his desk; the elephant in the room making itself known in the silence that lingered between them.

"So," he said as he sat down in the chair behind his desk.

"So what?"

He smiled; leaning back in his chair and propping his feet on the desk as he interlaced his fingers. "The doctor will see you now, Miss Beckett."

She laughed; the liquid sloshing around in her glass as she pulled it back from her mouth. "Castle, you look ridiculous."

"What, this doesn't fit the therapist image?"

"No; not really. It's a little too…"

"Too handsome for you to handle?"

"No; I was going to say too casual…but since you're not really a doctor I guess we can overlook it."

"I can act like a typical therapist."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, lay down on the couch," he said, waving a hand toward the soft black leather sofa across the room.

"You better catch up with the times, Rick," she said as she took a seat on the sofa. "They don't do that anymore."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well that's disappointing."

"I guess the position is losing its allure for you."

"Not at all," he replied. "We can do it your way; since you insist on being modern."

She smiled and took a sip of her drink but she said nothing and he knew that it would be up to him to nudge her along. "Did you read that text from your dad?"

"No."

"Don't you think you should? He might be worried that you didn't reply."

"If he was worried he would call," she answered. "I already know what it says, Castle."

"Maybe he'll surprise you."

There was a flicker of irritation in her eyes as she pulled her phone from her pocket and read the message to herself.

"Well?" he asked.

"It was just what I thought," Kate told him. "He says that I need to talk to her."

Castle would be lying if he said that he wasn't the slightest bit worried about wading into the murky waters that constituted Kate's feelings in regard to her mother's reappearance. "Is there a part of you that thinks maybe you should talk to her just once…just for the sake of knowing what it is that she has to say."

"No; I know what I need to know, Castle. She had to leave; I get that…I just can't accept that she did it without saying a word. That she sat at the table with me that morning and said we'd go shopping the next day when she knew that she wasn't coming home that night."

"Maybe she was hoping that it wasn't really going to happen. Maybe she was trying to act normal," he suggested.

"That doesn't make it hurt any less," Kate retorted; her voice taunt with emotion.

"I know; and I wasn't defending her, Kate. I was just giving a possible explanation of her actions."

"I know…it's nothing I haven't thought myself but no matter the reason it doesn't make it feel any better and I just can't shove it away like my father apparently can."

"He can shove it away at the moment because he's relieved that she's alive; because he wants his wife back…but he's still hurting; he has to be…he's just ignoring it right now because he wants everything to be okay."

"Yeah, well it's not."

"Of course it isn't, and it's not going to be."

"She should go back where she came from," Kate remarked before taking a sip of her scotch.

"I don't think she's going to do that," he replied. "I think she's made up her mind to stay. To her, she's proved who she is to you and now she's going to stay here and try to salvage what she can."

"She and Dad can salvage whatever they want but they can leave me out of it. I don't want to hear her excuses or her apologies or anything else."

Castle eyed her. "I don't think she's going to give up on you that easily."

"I know…but what she needs to know is that I don't give in as easily as I used to," she replied. "She can call ten times a day if she wants but it's not going to get her anywhere."

"It's going to annoy the hell out of you though."

Kate gave him a hint of a teasing smirk. "She wouldn't be the first person to annoy the hell out of me."

"Touché," he grinned; "But I'm different."

"Yeah, you're definitely different, Castle; no one is disputing that."

"Hey, there's a fee for being mean to your therapist," he teased.

"I'm not even going to ask what it is because I probably don't want to know," she replied.

Castle laughed. "Don't worry, it would be enjoyable. My fees only punish in the best ways."

"You're so gracious; there ought to be a statue of you in Central Park."

"I like that idea," he quipped. "Who can I write to about that?"

"I don't know; maybe you can ask the Mayor the next time you play poker with him."

"Good idea," Castle replied before turning back to the business at hand. "If she keeps calling, and I have a feeling she will, do you think that you might consider talking to her just once so she'll let you alone?"

"No; giving in only inspires her to continue on that path. If she thinks she's found a foothold, she'll just keep reaching for another and another until she wins."

"Aren't you curious?"

Kate shifted in her seat; she kept herself angry so that those curious urges would stay squashed. She didn't want to let her mother in; she didn't want to hear what she had to say. She had betrayed her…her mother had been the one person in the world who she thought would never betray her…would never leave her…would never hurt her clear down to her core. But she had, and maybe it was callous but she had to be punished for it. She couldn't just go sit down with her and let it all be okay no matter what that little voice in the back of her head said. She didn't need to hear it. She could ignore curiosity for as long as she needed to.

"So you are curious," Castle said as she remained silent.

"That's human nature, Rick," she said quietly. "But it doesn't mean you have to give in to it. That's why there's that saying 'curiosity killed the cat'."

"But in this case, curiosity might lead to a healing of some sort."

She shook her head. "I'm not going to do it. I told you that and I meant it."

"Okay," he replied with a nod. "I wasn't trying to pressure you."

"I know you're not."

"What are you going to do though if she keeps calling?"

"Let her go to voicemail," she answered; the memory of her mother's voice sounding in her ear rolling through her mind. She picked at a frayed thread in the hem of her shirt; the sound of Johanna Beckett's voice had set her on edge and angered her…but there was a tiny little piece of her heart that had reacted to the voice she had been wanting to hear again for so long. It had soothed a yearning…and she hated herself for it. She wanted to be mad. If she stayed mad, she wouldn't be so open to being hurt by her again…because she had no doubt that more hurt was going to come if the wrong people found out she was alive and in the city.

"Sounds like a good plan for now," Castle said as he studied her; watching as emotion played upon her features. Maybe it was time to stop plucking that nerve for the night. It was going to be a long road for everyone involved; there was no reason to put her through the ringer tonight.

Kate nodded. "It'll do for now…but I know it's not going to be easy. I don't want you to think for a moment that I have myself convinced that it's going to be."

"No, I don't think that. I think you know what you're up against…I don't think your mother knows exactly what she's up against but I think maybe she knows somewhere inside too that this isn't going to be easy. She might want to think that it can be, but I'm sure she knows."

"Yeah, but she also knows how to be relentless."

"So do you," he smiled.

She smiled back but her gaze dropped to the glass in her hand and she studied it. "I don't really want to think about the traits we have in common at the moment."

"I don't blame you," he replied. "How about we just close that topic for tonight; I think we had a successful first session."

Kate's gaze flicked back to his face and he was relieved to see amusement in her eyes. "You're calling it a success?"

"Yes; you didn't throw anything at me and you didn't leave; it's a smashing success. Shall I put you down for another Castle session next week?"

She raked a hand through her hair. "You probably should keep me on your calendar, Castle; I have a feeling I'll need a lot of sessions."

He rose from his chair and crossed the room, taking a seat beside her so that he could drop an arm around her shoulders and tug her close. "You're always on my calendar, Kate. Never doubt that."

"Thank you," she whispered, giving in to the urge to brush her lips against his cheek.

"No thanks necessary," Castle replied, his hand finding hers, their fingers entwining. "It's what I'm here for."

'Thank God,' she thought to herself. As much as she needed him in normal times, she needed him even more in times of turmoil.


End file.
